5/ Drive from Parry Sound to Thunder Bay. Camp along the way. Go to Killarney. Eat at chip wagons. Go underground in Sudbury. Swim in Lake Superior. Try not to get swallowed up by the stars at night. Fish for pickerel on White Lake. Try and find someone who'll let you have a sauna. Marvel at it the wonder of it all.
7/ Spend a weekend in Niagara on the Lake. Rent a cottage built in the 1800s. Take a bicycle tour of the wineries. If you sober up drive along the Niagara gorge to the Falls. Check them out too.
8/ Rent a cottage on the south shore of PEI by the ferry to Pictou. Go to a lobster supper in a church or town hall. Wander the back roads and look at the old farmhouses, the churches, the harbours, the lighthouses, the red clay cliffs. Buy some lobster and mussels off of the wharf and eat them when you get home. Find Jack's road (pictured), step back in time and drive down it (or better yet, walk it). Take a day in Charlottetown and wander the old town. Go to the Olde Dublin for a pint. Find an Islander to take you out on his boat into the Harbour. Don't drown. You will be drunk. Afterwards pub crawl across Charlottetown. One last hint. You have to call a cab. They don't pick you up if you hail them. Of course, walking for three hours is a good way to sober up. Or so I've heard. Forget about Anne and the rest of the touristy shit. I've been coming here for a dozen years and haven't even been to Cavendish.
9/ Fly into St. John's in the dead of winter. It may take you a few attempts, depending on the fog and whether or not its storming. Try and find a room around Rawlins Cross so you can look out at Signal Hill and out onto the Atlantic. Traipse up and down the streets of St. Johns. Lean into the wind and snow and keep going. Don't be a pussy. Eat and drink and laugh it all off. Don't kiss a cod. Don't get screeched in.
10/ Visit a bathhouse in Toronto and get a rubdown from a handsome man. I would give you an excellent recommendation but frankly its a special place for Andy Grabia and I and I don't kiss and tell. Plus he'd cry like a little girl from jealousy. Because he's like that.
Now that's for starters and I haven't even touched on a thousand places that I have not been.
And yes, you're welcome.
You want to talk about a crazy idea for the Edmonton Oilers? How about a playoff spot? Hmm?
Because I'm getting damn tired of these overpriced, poor quality results we're getting these last few years.
I feel like I'm at the damn Hard Rock Cafe, any single one of them, eating a 15.00 burger that has come right out of a no name box of frozen patties.