Monday, September 14, 2009

Best Laid Plans Etc Etc Hee Hee. Laid.


It was almost ten years ago that an elaborate, well thought out scheme, pure genius really, fell to pieces.

My wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, was turning twenty five that October and in the spring I decided that I would surprise her by taking her to New Orleans. We lived in Tampa (Oakland with beaches is pretty accurate by the way) and we could fly to New Orleans for cheap.

Now I'm all about keeping her happy. I'm always pulling this type of thing. Booked a massage for her the other day. Organized a long weekend for her in Montreal with a friend from the Island for later this fall. For her birthday this year it was going to be a surprise trip to Cuba before her dad got sick. You see if she's happy then I'm going to be happy. And her going away for a few days is no big deal. I had the kids three days solid over Labour Day while she worked and we did just fine. The beach. Parks. Went for a pint at my local with them. House was tidy, laundry done, clothes laundered. Plus I made cookies and butter tarts.

No wonder she loves me. I am so so gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyways I let her do her thing and encourage it and basically I just want to be left alone to do my thing when I like. A little road trip here and there. Pints. Hockey. A little bit of the ee ee ee ee when we can. Some time to write or watch the Oilers.

I'm a simpleton what can I say. But that is all I ask. Just every once in a while, leave me be.

So the best thing about this plan was that I laid the groundwork for it in the spring. In April I told her to make sure that she booked off the weekend in question. I said nothing else.

It made her crazy.

My wife is the type who still gets a thrill on Christmas morning and it has nothing to do with the kids. The anticipation, the surprises, when it comes time to come downstairs to see what Santa brought she's pushing the kids out of the way like George Costanza trying to escape the fire.

So its killing her.

We'd be sitting on the beach and I'd smile and she'd ask me what I was thinking about and I'd smile some more and say 'Oh just thinking about your birthday weekend'.

Hah!

It made her mental.

Where are we going?

Can't say.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Where are we going?

Well ...

Yes? Yes?

I might be persuaded .... raises eyebrow sexily

Later, sharing a smoke and glass of wine.

So, where are we going?

Oh that's for me to know and for you ... to find out!

Yes, I'm twelve. But you knew that.

The thing is this was before 9/11 as well so you could go to the gates even if you were not flying, that is there was no big rigamarole going through security. And it was Southwest so you could get your ticket at the actual gate. So we'd have carry ons and my plan was to go through security and then drag it out forever, stopping in front of gate after gate until her head was ready to pop off. It was going to be so fucking awesome.

It was two weeks before our trip, not even, and we were eating supper in our apartment. The upcoming weekend we were going to Toronto for a wedding and then the weekend following we would go to New Orleans. Six months I had held this secret close to the vest, I was less than two weeks away; I was home free. And then she asked me what we were going to do with the dog when we were away.

When we're in Toronto Diane is going to take care of him and then when we go to New Orleans ...

That was it. She actually felt as bad as I did, she wasn't trying to find out by now and the whole trip had become such a great mystery. Good fun, you know.

I looked at the dog and I said, for neither the first nor the last time:

Way to go, jerk.

And he looked at me and said:

Don't go blaming this on me you stupid fucking dummy.

And then I thought I had it made, because I owned a fucking talking dog!

But that's a story for another time.

----------------------------

I feel like my birthday is coming up and Steve Tambellini, bless his little heart, is going to give me something big. Maybe a weekend in New York. We'll catch a show, take a romantic stroll in Central Park. Or maybe an all inclusive trip to Jamaica. We'll oil each other up and drink big drinks with umbrellas at the swim up bar. Or maybe, maybe, Paris! Or Prague! Or Edinburgh!

I really am excited because Steve promised me something great at the beginning of the summer. And lets be honest, I deserve something big, don't I? We're talking three years out of the playoffs and he's spending all of that money for nothing. What's a girl to think? I'm wondering if he has someone on the side but then I think, naw, I'm getting fucked too hard for that to be the case.

The thing with Steve is he's already talking like all of his buddies. They talk about the old days all of the time. Championships and Oilers' hockey and the best ice in the league. Problem is its nearly twenty years since they won a Cup, they haven't played Oilers' hockey since 2006 and the ice is shit. And just to make matters worse here comes Pat LaForge talking about how the team just isn't tenable unless taxpayers cough up for a new arena.

I keep expecting Christopher Lloyd to pull up in his DeLorean and ask me to get in along with Michael Keaton, Webster, Ah-Ha and the gang from Full House.

I'm sure Steve will pull through for me though. I mean he said himself that this club was too small and too soft and of course he has to know that next year there is going to be a crunch with the salary cap and Cogliano, Gagner and Grebeshkov are all up for big raises. Three huge parts of the future right there. Its not like he'll further tie the franchise's hands by handing out another huge contract to an aging player. That wouldn't be too smart. And he'll take care of that whole situation where the club needs to get bigger and tougher and could use someone to win draws and kill penalties, right? Everyone can see the need is right there. He said so himself.

Hmmm.

Yeah I think we're fucked.

Again.

Hey I screwed up my plan but at least I had one and in the end we went on our trip and it was great and I got the girl.

Here I am and I'm thinking Steve is going to tell me that we're taking a Greyhound to Albany. And for me its only a one way ticket.

Surprise!

20 comments:

B.C.B. said...

If a veteran centre (regardless of skill level, but with 400+ games of NHL experience) is a one way ticket to Albany, then I'll take it. If not, have a long bus ride Tambi, I'll be waiting- to kick your ass- at your return.

OF17 said...

It's just depressing.

doritogrande said...

Here I am and I'm thinking Steve is going to tell me that we're taking a Greyhound to Albany. And for me its only a one way ticket.

Just a heads up, don't go through Manitoba on a greyhound.

Ribs said...

Epic post. Just Fantastic.

Swabbubba said...

Hey i got an idea.. the oilers need to sign a midget centre. Then are wingers will look like monsters it is all about perspective. I guess the correct term is little person.
Ah the the 80's the mullets hell the Oilers are going to learn one of these days. Lets just aim for the bottom who is wants the #1 pick I do dam then we can get bonafide player but then we would screw it up and draft the 20th ranked player just because there was a vibe. the penguins play like crap for a couple of years get 2 great players and they are set... we always hover around the playoffs lets just aim for the bottom and get a good player one good player to build around. I am tired of the middle what is getting us nowhere lets lose every game effing game we can,,lets trade our middling players for draft picks and go effing nuts. yes before the 1st preseason game I am saying lets blow this team to the foundation. Go Oilers lets go for #1 pick and rebuild this team to something other than contender in the AHL

Psyche said...

Black Dog isn't it the truth. Keep our better half happy and we are much happier. Once again, another excellent post. Thank you for sharing.

Dorito - you beat me to the Greyhound punch-line. Beauty!

Anonymous said...

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Isn't there? I wonder how you would feel if your son came up to you one day and introduced his boyfriend.

I found your blog by accident and the writing is excellent. You seem to be the ultimate Canadian. I've always heard that they are fine folk, and reading through your posts seems to confirm it.

Cheers

Johnathon said...

As long as it wasn't Kanye West or Chris Brown, I am sure BD would be fine. Better get moving though, or you'll be late for your Westboro baptist church meeting (don't forget your sign!)...

spOILer said...

Steve Tambellini and Barack Obama:

"change we can believe in".

Or as the French put it:

"la plus que la meme chose".

And we keep lapping it up like the good lobotomized citizens we are.

This world needs a serious Depression, if only to wake the walking dead.

Johnathon said...

So the question then, Spoiler - you would prefer Lowe and Bush? (or, dare I say it - yes, I cannot resist - PALIN?!?)

Black Dog said...

Thanks for the kind words folks.

Anon - actually have family members and friends who are gay, no biggie really, not going to stop loving them because of who they sleep with.

Johnathon - oh you don't know spOiler very well, you're way off base there I would say ;)

Black Dog said...

B.C.B. - a big veteran centreman who can won draws and kill penalties? I'd say that's more like a trip to California or the Keys

Krazy Rick said...

Hey BD...
I still think the Oilers should take a look at Dominic Moore. He made Jason Blake a better player!! Need I say more??
For keeping my better half happy... she's sending me to visit my sister in Summerside. What a GREAT birthday present!! I like it when she's happy!!!
KR

Black Dog said...

KR - yeah I'm a fan of Moore too, I hope he catches on somewhere and I'd like him on the Oilers

So your wife is sending you away?

Nice.

Bruce said...

Now I'm all about keeping her happy. I'm always pulling this type of thing. Booked a massage for her the other day. Organized a long weekend for her in Montreal with a friend from the Island for later this fall. For her birthday this year it was going to be a surprise trip to Cuba ...

BDHS: Nice. Just when I convince my better half (Quiltmom) to start visiting your blog, you come out as the Wayne Gretzky of husbands. Now she'll see me for the Liam Reddox I am.

Thanks, bud.

Black Dog said...

bruce - ah I was wondering about quiltmom, Ty Dellow's sister mentioned me in her blog and as a result it seems I am getting some moms coming around now and then (although she did warn about some content being jarring, not sure what she meant by that?), I thought she was part of that crew

so the mystery is solved

if you're Liam Reddox you'd better pick it up pal or you might end up in the minors (on the couch) ;)

spOILer said...

Johnathon,

the point I'm trying to make is that there can be no preference when comparing identical things.

In Oiler hockey, like politics, we have only been given the illusion of change, the illusion of choice.

The end result is that everything stays the same and Joe Q. Public is mollified enough not to lead revolts in the street.

spOILer said...

"Jarring"? Doesn't she know you prefer bagging?

Sorry, folks. Too easy.

By the way, Pat, was your word verification software developed by DARPA or the NSA? This is the only place I come where the word verification seems to abstract themes from comments we type. It rarely fails.

For the post above it was "urgiste". For this one "pudisted". Freaks me out everytime I come here.

They aren't watching, are they?

;o)

Black Dog said...

spOiler - actually I did do some jarring as a safety valve in case repopulation is needed at some point

that way I'll avoid the ice floes - its Grade A stuff

Chris said...

Hmmm well a new arena would benefit the Oilers revenue-wise. It would benefit the company building it.

Economically everyone else (in other words, the taxpayers) will take a bath on this one.

Sure there are definite (or, rather, indefinite) economic intangible bonuses for Edmonton as a city to get a nice shiny new arena. But we will pay for it. And we won't see a return on that investment in money terms, at least.