Saturday, February 19, 2011

Life's Funny Unless You're The Punchline


I'm behind on the times. I admit it. With the exception of books and movies (and even there) I'm playing the role of Secret Aging Man very well. I just got my first cellphone for crying out loud. And the last CD I bought was the latest release by the Hip. Before that the last one I bought was the previous latest by the Hip.

You get the picture.

So excuse me as I rave about my latest 'discovery' The Ricky Gervais Show. I got into it a month or so ago and now of course their latest project 'An Idiot Abroad' is airing now and its pure genius.

The Ricky Gervais Show is basically an animation of podcasts that Gervais has had with two gents, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'm sure everyone is aware of who Gervais is but its Pilkington who is the star of the show. Essentially the show consists of Pilkington being asked his thoughts on various subjects, answering questions from listener emails and telling stories. Its absolute genius. Pilkington rambles, he stretches the truth, he misquotes and mispronounces, all the while being abused by Gervais and Merchant. As a quick example there is one episode where he tells a story about a fire in NYC where the fire department arrives but discover they only have brought their short ladders. They recruit a monkey from a nearby zoo, outfit him in a fireman's outfit and he climbs the building and rescues a man from the burning apartment, carrying him down the side of the building out of harm's way. As he tells this tale Gervais constantly shouts "You're talking shit!" at him and, along with Merchant, derides him without mercy.

Its absolutely terrific stuff and I presume Pilkington must be making pretty good coin considering the abuse he takes. I highly recommend it and I highly recommend An Idiot Abroad as well. Terrific television.

The thing that strikes me in terms of relevance is that Steve Tambellini is Karl Pilkington. He is a buffoon and a failure. He is barely articulate. He has made a hash of the Oilers in what will likely be his only kick at a GM's job. And of course the genius of it all is that Lowe is the guy pulling the strings. Every time you turn on the television and there is a national broadcast and there is talk of trades and moves for the Oilers the commentators always refer to Lowe as the GM and then catch themselves.

So Tambo not only if the guy taking the abuse but apparently he doesn't deserve it. My goodness.

Anyways I was inspired by Ricky Gervais and I called my good friend Tyler Dellow, who, like Gervais, is a very bright fellow with a rather acerbic wit. Strangely enough like Merchant I am also an enormous human being, standing at just over six foot seven, so it was obvious what was meant to be. We arranged to have a converastion with Mr. Tambellini and here is a transcript:

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For the past few years Tyler Dellow, Pat McLean and Steve Tambellini have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them..

Pat - Testing.

Tyler - Hello and welcome to the Tyler Dellow show with me, Tyler Dellow, Pat McLean


Pat - Hello

Tyler - And the little sleepy eyed buffoon that is Steve Tambellini

Steve - Wha?

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Pat - So we have an email here for Steve, its from Andy in Edmonton. He says 'Steve, what were you thinking of when you signed Nikolai Khabibulin last summer?'

Tyler - Oh that's a good one. That's rich. What were you thinking about there?

Steve - Well, er, em, you know

Pat - er, em, I guess that's the answer, there was no thinking involved.

Tyler - HAHAHAHA thinking?! Ha, stop talking shit!!

Steve - Well, you know, I was thinking

Pat and Tyler - HAHAHAHAHA

Tyler - Stop talking fucking shit! Stop it! Fucking lying wanker!

Steve - Well I thought that it would be a good idea to sign him to a contract, you know. I thought it would be good for the hockey team.

Tyler - Wait a second. Wait a second. You thought it would be a good signing.

Pat - Hahaha

Tyler - A broken down old shitty goalie and you gave him a contract for four years. Four fucking years, you stupid fucking wanker.

Pat - 3.75 million a year.

Tyler - 3.75 million a year.

Steve - Well, er, um, he won a Stanley Cup.

Tyler - A fucking Stanley Cup. But he's shit!! Everyone knew he was shit. A Stanley Cup. Why not sign Glenn Hall.

Steve - he wasn't available.

Tyler and Pat - HAHAHAHAHA

Steve - He works for the Flames, I think. Plus he has a ranch.

Tyler - He's fucking 100 years old.

Steve - No. I saw him on the television. He was, what do you call that, when you ride a bull?

Tyler - You're talking shit!!!!

Steve - He was, you know, when they ride a bull, you know its bucking, you know, the bull is pissed off, he's like 'hey get off of me'. I don't blame him though. I wouldn't like it, you know.

Pat - Wouldn't like what?

Steve - Well you're a bull see. You're minding your own business, doing bull stuff.

Pat and Tyler - snicker

Steve - And all of a sudden here is this old guy he comes over and he's just like, well here we go, I'm climbing on top of you. I wouldn't like that.

Tyler and Pat - HAHAHAHA

Tyler - oh I think you'd love that, some guy climbing on top of you. Wouldn't you?

Steve - No not at all.

Tyler - Oh I bet you would you stupid little sleepy eyed git. So you would have signed Glenn Hall except he was busy

Pat - Bull riding.

Steve - Yeah, I saw it. So he was at the top of the list but he was busy.

Tyler - Talking Shit!

Steve - And Terry Sawchuk is dead ....

Pat - So here's one from Bob from Vancouver. Its relevant too. After signing Khabibulin to this big contract, seven months later you decide its time to rebuild. What changed?

Tyler - Yes what the fuck was that? One minute you're spending big money on an ancient goalie with "a Stanley Cup ring" and then the next you're going to burn it down to the ground. How do you explain that?

Steve - Well, I looked at the team and I thought, well, if everything breaks right we might need a veteran goaltender, you know, who could win us the Cup.

Tyler/Pat - HAHAHAHAHAHA

Tyler - You thought the Oilers could win the Cup with that roster.

Steve - well, yeah

Tyler - that shitty roster

Steve - well, you never know, its like that fellow, you heard about him, he was killed by a gorilla

Pat - By a gorilla, where was that?

Steve - on Whyte Avenue

Tyler/Pat - HAHAHAHA

Tyler - You're talking shit! That never happened!

Steve - Oh yeah, last summer. This fella was walking down Whyte Avenue and then a gorilla leapt out from an alley and it tore him to pieces.

Pat - A gorilla! Where did it come from? (snickering)

Steve - Well, he was at at the zoo see. And you know he was tired of it so he escaped.

Tyler - How did he escape?

Steve - Well, he was dressed like a man, see, and so he's ...

Tyler - Wait wait. He's dressed like a man. How the fuck does a gorilla get dressed up?

Steve - Well what he was doing is, people would come by, see, and you know they're hot, so they take off say, a hat, or a jacket, or their pants ...

Tyler/Pat - HAHAHAHA

Steve - right and so they put it down and he reaches out and grabs it

Tyler - So he assembled a wardrobe ....

Steve - Yeah

Pat - So there's some guy, he's at the zoo and he takes off his pants. Why would he take off his pants? And even more interesting, why would he not notice that they were gone?

Steve - Well, he'd be hot you know. So he'd take off his pants, to cool off.

Tyler - Talking Shit!!

Steve - And you know he'd be nice and comfortable and wearing his boxers and you know nobody noticed so he just figures well, I'll walk around like this, see. And then the gorilla grabs his pants. And so after a few weeks he has everything he needs and he's all like 'hey' to the zookeeper, 'hey, I got in here by accident, can you let me out?'

Tyler - What nonsense is this? And he believes it all, yeah?

Pat - Yeah.

Steve - And so the zookeeper is like 'oh well yeah', and he let him out you know and he says 'thanks very much for letting me out, it was unsafe in there with all of those gorillas'

Tyler/Pat - HAHAHAHHA

Tyler - You are so full of shit. So this gorilla steals a wardrobe, escaped from the zoo and then killed a man on Whyte Avenue? None of this ever happened. None of this ever happened.

Pat - Never mind that is all a figment of imagination but what does this have to do with signing Khabibulin?

Steve - well, see, your man who's walking down Whyte Avenue, you know, he gets up that morning, you know, maybe he's a little hungover, so he's on his way, to get a burger maybe or maybe he's going to Boston Pizza, well anyhow he leaves his house and if you said to him, 'well now you're going to get killed by a gorilla' well, he would say 'that's not going to happen, its a load of bullocks' but of course it did happen. So you know, its why I signed Khabibulin, you know, it was best to hedge my bets just in case we actually contended, well it would have been bad if we didn't have a Cup winning goalie, right?

Pat - so you signed Khabibulin because basically anything can happen, like you might get killed by a gorilla walking down Whyte Avenue. Which is something that never actually happened.

Steve - It did.

Tyler - That explains a lot. Steve Tambellini logic. Is there any intelligent life behind those dopey eyes you wanker? I guess we know the answer to that question would be no.

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Stay tuned for the next episode when we discuss another Oilers' management disaster, Sheldon Souray, who Daryl Katz has paid an NHL salary, along with Jeff Drouin Deslauriers and Zack Stortini, to play in the minors. Souray is on waivers and, if claimed, will get paid only half of his remaining salary by Katz.

Its nice to be rich.

11 comments:

Oiler_Kiwi99 said...

Classic Shit Pat

macaotim said...

Hitting the bong again eh? Keep up the good smoke...er I mean work.

Pete. said...

Ha ha, awesome. So sick of the perpetually shitty Oilers and their constant losing, their completely unlikeable management, and the goddamn arena. The only joy left in the following this team for me is reading posts and comments that savagely mock the whole operation.

I'm considering a move to Vancouver, and I'm wondering if constant exposure to idiot Canucks fans will awaken my dormant Oilers fandom, and cause me to start wearing jerseys and loudly cheering again, just to be a contentious asshole. Or maybe it'll just be the last straw and I'll give up on pro sports entirely. Tough to say.

Bar Qu said...

Great show and excellent parody. I look forward to the next episode.

macaotim said...

Pete,

My best years as an Oiler fan have come when living in other cities. I have been sentenced to Saskatoon and Winnipeg, and also lived in Calgary and China. Perhaps its that identity thing, but I am always a better fan when living away from Edmonton.

Strange.

Just don't drink the water out there...might end up a fan of a winner!

Goodness...

Mr DeBakey said...

I was hoping they'd sign Bower.
Imagine how pissed Leaves fans would be if we won the Cup with Bower 'tween the pipes!
Awesome.

Black Dog said...

Thanks all.

Apparently Bower was on the radar but again, some sort of money thing. Its all quite vague.

Stephen said...

Pat! Wow!

I listened to all of Ricky's podcasts about a year and a half ago and I gotta say, you were spot on! Nailed each of them in the way they talk; I was actually hearing their voices in your words. Brilliant! I almost couldn't make it through the post. :)

Ben Dover said...

That was brilliant, Pat! Thanks for the laughs.

spOILer said...

Pretty funny, although I have never seen the show (and probably never will), so I can't comment on the simi(hi)larities.

But I do have a quibble:

Will next week's episode include reference to all the other teams with NHL salary in the minors?

It's a function of the present CBA.

The alternative is to give up a draft pick to get someone to take the salary.

Now that we're a "have" team, we're going to complain about using all the tools at our disposal?

I'm certain this is a non-issue everywhere except the blogosphere.

That said, it's all in good fun. Have at'er.

Black Dog said...

Thanks Stephen and Ben.

spOILer - I have no issue with them using that tool, I do have an issue with their complaints that they need a new arena and they aren't making any money when management makes these types of mistakes.

Want to make money? Don't make ridiculous decisions when it comes to contracts (I would not include Stortini in that discussion) and maybe, just maybe, make the playoffs once in a while. If these are beyond the abilities of management (in this case they apparently are) then dump your management team.